Thursday, March 27, 2008

A Little Motherly Panic

I never thought of myself as the stay-at-home-mom type. Before I had children, I just knew that I would still work full-time. But what I did not know was how hard that would be. I returned to work this week. Cole is almost 10 weeks old. And, although I truly do love my job and my students, I am having a really difficult time adjusting. I feel panicky, like I am missing huge milestones in his development. Because they change so fast, and I know that. Just two years ago, my full-sentence-speaking daughter was in Cole's position...a tiny baby. And I feel sick to my stomach.

I recently resigned from directing the girls. It needed to happen. They need someone who is more present - both physically and mentally. And I need time, because it is flying by way too fast.

So that leaves me wanting to be with them, but having to work. I must, then, find a job where I can have them with me. Interestingly enough, there is a possibility on the horizon. I told myself not to get too excited. I know the chances of my actually getting the job are probably slim. But now I am excited, and if it doesn't happen, I will be crushed. I just feel like I am supposed to be with them more. I feel like it is not just my selfish desire. All I can do is pray that it is God's will. I want it to be...I pray for it to be...and yet I don't know if it is.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

A Little Bit Goes a Long Way

Do you ever look back at something that has happened and wonder how you got through it? It's like once it is over, you could not imagine doing it again. I sort of feel that way about the last six and a half weeks. Things have calmed down so much and I am having so much fun watching Cole go from a wobbly-headed newborn to an alert, smily baby. About a week ago, I had to go to the hospital to meet with a lactation specialist. I saw a girl there who had obviously just given birth. I looked at her and was so grateful that it was not me. The adjustment period, in hindsight, it really not that long. But when you are in the throes of it all, it seems interminable. And it is not that all things are easy now - just managable.

It is funny because as I write this, Mia is singing and jumping and not napping in her crib. She talks to Elmo and Minnie Mouse (they are in bed with her) and sings her ABCs. Ha!

But I took the two kids by myself to the mall today. It was the first time that I have taken them without Chris or my mom. It was great! Mia was wonderful and in a good mood. I did not buy anything - we just walked around and enjoyed being out of the house.

How am I going to go back to work in two and a half weeks?!?! I mean, look at those sweet faces!