I never thought of myself as the stay-at-home-mom type. Before I had children, I just knew that I would still work full-time. But what I did not know was how hard that would be. I returned to work this week. Cole is almost 10 weeks old. And, although I truly do love my job and my students, I am having a really difficult time adjusting. I feel panicky, like I am missing huge milestones in his development. Because they change so fast, and I know that. Just two years ago, my full-sentence-speaking daughter was in Cole's position...a tiny baby. And I feel sick to my stomach.
I recently resigned from directing the girls. It needed to happen. They need someone who is more present - both physically and mentally. And I need time, because it is flying by way too fast.
So that leaves me wanting to be with them, but having to work. I must, then, find a job where I can have them with me. Interestingly enough, there is a possibility on the horizon. I told myself not to get too excited. I know the chances of my actually getting the job are probably slim. But now I am excited, and if it doesn't happen, I will be crushed. I just feel like I am supposed to be with them more. I feel like it is not just my selfish desire. All I can do is pray that it is God's will. I want it to be...I pray for it to be...and yet I don't know if it is.